i think there are two types or taxi rides. one, the type in which a frigid but musty air of silence veils the space in the taxi, and nothing but the cold vapour is present. and the other type being one in which you can hold an actual conversation and build a temporary rapport with the driver. i experienced the latter today.
i was taking a taxi back from white sands home. i got in, told the driver where to go. as he drove, we began talking. about school life, technology, the ipad, amongst other things. it was pretty nice, actually. talking to a total stranger. the thing is, you know that you’re never going to see them again, so you are able to drop all false pretenses, four walls, and just tell them things about yourself without weaving any intricacies in.
(on a side note, he told me that he was previously from RI, and used to do sports.)
Here's to the kids who try their hardest to be good enough for everyone; who spend hours reading random love quotes to find the right one; who wait online for that one certain person to sign on just to say hello; who listen to the same song dozens of times because the lyrics mean a lot; who deserve so much more than they get and are willing to fight for it and whose wish upon a shooting star was wasted on someone that will never care.
in 4 days i’m going to be choking on my tears. there are things, so many things i want to say to you, but i can’t. i just can’t. i’ll just let the words corrode and burn away at the back of my tongue. i’ll swallow and push them down and let them gutter my throat. they’ll stay there. of all the things, this is what i am sure of. i could imagine conversations we could have had. but things changed, i guess, and i’ll just hold on to what i have. just so you know, i’m not deleting your messages. i’m not going to forget you. i’m not going to get over you. not yet. not yet at least. there are fires burning in the dead of the night which i try to extinguish, but just when i think they are gone, the spark lights up and electrifies the whole night sky again. burning brightly, burning tongues of flame painting the sky amber. the only thing i can say to you.
(I could’ve done better. I could’ve done so fucking much better. I had the chance to choose a better school. NYGH, RGS, for the hell of it. Elite, top-tier schools. I’m not saying that DHS isn’t one either, but I just wish I’d picked either one of the above two schools. I could have and should have. The comfort I have now is that I’m giving a shot at applications for those schools, but I just don’t know what to hope for. I regret choosing DHS, but I’ve never regretted meeting all the awesome people there.)
II. Not studying harder.
III. Thinking of you too much.
IV. Starting sparks which died down too early.
V. Not putting in more effort in my history assignment.
I second-guess almost everything. I have so many regrets. I have so many things that I want to say, but can never have the guts to say. I am disappointed in myself. I like literature alot. I break down alot. I am very fangirly. I like Inception alot. I am girlier than you think.
Day One (late): Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
I -/ I’m so sorry I’ve been such a frigid bitch to you. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me these 14 years, and though I’d never say it, I love you.
II -/ Thank you for not giving up on me. Likewise, I appreciate you putting up with my shit for 14 years, and it really means alot. I love you too.
III -/ You’re the most awesome sister anyone could ask for, though I’d never tell you that to your face.
IV -/ I love you woman :) Thank you for being there for me, always.
V -/ Bitch, please. She’s my friend, not yours. Back the fuck off.
VI -/ I’m looking forward to our mugging session tomorrow after class. Oh, and getting our matching pencilcases too (:
VII -/ Have a little more confidence in yourself.
VIII - / I’ve never met you more than twice in person before, but I’d just like you to know that you’re one of my closest friends <3
IX -/ You’re what makes CCA bearable for me. Thank you so much.
X -/ I have so many things to say to you but I just choke on the words. So I’ll just force them down now and bury my head in other commitments and push you to the back of my mind for now. If I’m not your priority, then why should you be mine? (This is the lie I will tell myself.)
2029) If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm scared out of my mind for my future. For high school, for what my boyfriend will be in high school, for my new friends and for my old friends, for my little sister growing up, I'm scared about everything. But I won't show it, because to everyone in this town, I'm strong and I don't ever cry.